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| Question 1: Blah Blah Economy
Obama: Bush and McCain are wrong, trickle-down is silly, middle class has to be succeeding for country to succeed.
McCain: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh package uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh package uhhhhhhhhhhh reduce dependence on foreign oil.
Question 2: Thoughts on Recovery Plan
Obama: Dunno. If you guys had listened to me we wouldn't be in this crazy mess. Why are you all so dumb.
McCain: Hey yo I told you so too. Historic Army story. Everyone sucks. When I'm president everyone won't.
Obama: Well yeah but why are we only worried about everyone sucking when something goes wrong, instead of all the time? Fundamentals of Economy blah John's dumb.
McCain: Okay okay. Stuff's screwed up, but you don't ALL suck. Average Blue-Collar Joe is still cool.
Question 3: What's the difference between what you would do about the economy?
McCain: Earmarking and pork-barrel spending is evil. I will veto every single spending bill I get. Obama loves spending.
Obama: Uh yeah, earmarking is pretty bad, as are lobbyists. However, the money wasted on that is nothing compared to the money John wants to give back to the wealthy. I'm a middle-class dude. Let's help those guys instead.
McCain: Barack loves earmarking and spending.
Obama: Whoa whoa hold on there. We can't just cut off earmarking EVERYWHERE. That's silly. Why don't we go case by case, eh?
McCain: Fine then buddy. About them wealthy. I'm only trying to take off business taxes so people wanna do business here. Tax cuts for everybody!
Obama: Alright dude. 95% of America will get a tax cut. Anyone who gets less than $250,000 a year'll be just fine. John wants to tax employers for giving healthcare.
McCain: Obama loves oil companies. I don't. Obama wants to tax the lower class-
Obama: LIES!
Question 4: What are you going to give up for the financial rescue plan?
Obama: I dunno. Stuff. But hey, I wanna do some things, like stop the foreign oil thing and get more healthcare and education. Everyone should have college. And bridges. And electricity.
McCain: NO MORE SPENDING. I do this stuff all the time.
Jim Lehrer: So.... nothing. You'd change nothing.
Obama: Keep your pants on I didn't say that. Something's gotta go, but I don't know what. Come on.
Jim Lehrer: Um. 'Kay. SO. What are you going to take away?
McCain: NO MORE SPENDING. Except for defense and veterans.
Obama: Yeah, 'cause we don't need child education, right?
McCain: Offshore drilling. Nuclear power. We gotta do it. I've done this for YEARS.
Jim Lehrer: Sigh. So. Financial crisis. Anything going on? Anything?
Obama: Yeah. Something. I'll make tough decisions. But no matter what those are, the decisions we're making regardless are important. And John hates healthcare. Just ask him.
McCain: Silly. Families and doctors do healthcare, not government. I hate spending, Barack loves it. Veterans. Low taxes all over the place. I've been cutting spending for decades.
Obama: Remember how you love George Bush? And how he loves spending? So... what are you talking about?
McCain: No one likes me. I go against George alll the time. I'm really old. And a maverick. And so's Sarah.
Question 5: Vietnam-Iraq. Lessons.
McCain: Our strategy was awful. I went and saw that and talked about it. And now we're kicking butt. We're gonna win. Just wait. And Iraq'll be awesome. It would suck if we lost. But we won't.
Obama: Uh, no. This war is dumb. Like I said 6 years ago. If only you had listened to me. Trillion dollars. 4,000 lives. Al-Qaeda is all over. We're dying in economy and spending ridiculous amounts in Iraq. We shouldn't hesitate to use military force, but we should've.
McCain: You're living in the past, man. Speaking of the past, remember he thought the surge was wrong? What a dummy.
Obama: Mm. Yeah, things are better. But at what cost? Remember when you said the war would be great and easy and we'd find WMDs? WRONG. I'm smart. Him? Eh.
McCain: God you're naive. Barack doesn't think we're winning (Barack: Lies) but it's awesome. And it'll be sweet in Afghanistan too. Barack hates the troops.
Obama: Hey you hate them too, just because of timetables. And I hate them just because of no timetables. And I'm not naive, jerk. You were so up on invading Iraq that you wanted to abandon Afghanistan. Let's give the troops a break and go after Afghanistan again, because it's muddled.
McCain: Generals said Obama is dangerous (Obama: Dude, wtf? Lies). Obama wanted us to leave months ago, and if we had, where would we be now? Dead.
Question 6: Should there be more troops in Afghanistan, how many and when?
Obama: Doy. And now. And 2-3 brigades. Of course, we still have to keep troops in Iraq, since some fools invaded it even though Al Qaeda wasn't there. Something about poppies. And Pakistan.
McCain: So we pretty much created the Taliban for the sake of hurting the Soviet Union. Whoops. Let's not threaten Pakistan. They're still cool. I've been there. It's rough. We've got to make Afghanistanis and Pakistanis our friends. Why would you tell Pakistan we're attacking them?
Obama: Um I never said that. I said that if Pakistan won't work with us, we've got to go against us. And who are you to talk when you threaten North Korea and Iran all day long?
McCain: A long time ago Ronald Reagan wanted to send soldiers into Lebanon. And I said no. I was right. Then there was the first Gulf War. And I said yes. Then there was Bosnia. And I said yes. Then there was Somalia. And I said yes. Get what I'm going for here? I'm really, really, really old. Mothers are tired of having their sons killed. But they don't want those deaths to be in vain. We're gonna win.
Obama: Hey what a coincidence. Mothers told me they don't want any other sons to die. Can we be serious about the Taliban and Bin Laden? Because I will.
McCain: Huh, that's funny, since you've NEVER BEEN THERE. We're gonna win in Afghanistan. If we set a withdrawal date, doom doom doom.
Question 7: Iran
McCain: If Iran gets nuclear weapons everyone's dead. Let's make a league of democracies and affect Iranian behavior. If they get nuclear weapons everyone's dead. They're a serious threat; let's reduce it. If they get nuclear weapons everyone's dead.
Obama: You know what made Iran so powerful? The war in Iraq. True, Iran can not be tolerated, but we can't take it out without help from some non-democracies like Russia and China. Let's talk to them, because ignoring people really doesn't make them stop wanting to kill you.
McCain: Obama wants to talk to lunatics, however their names are pronounced. Talking to people is playing into their hands. Ronald Reagan didn't talk to Soviets. Nixon didn't talk to China for.. a while. I don't wanna talk to Ahmadinejad.
Obama: Dude, I'll talk to them if I want. Get off my back. Henry Kissinger wants us to talk to Iran. People said I was silly when I wanted to make contacts with Iran, and guess what Bush just did. You know what North Korea did when we stopped talking to them? Awful, awful stuff. Way to go us. John doesn't even want to meet with the PM of Spain! Come on.
McCain: Kissinger never said that. If you just sit down and talk to a crazy person, you make them think their craziness is okay. North Korea is evil.
Question 8: Russia
Obama: We've got to tell Russia to calm down and help out Eastern Europe. We don't want another Cold War.
McCain: Yeah, so let's just let Russia kill Georgia right? We need to help out our buds. I've been in Georgia. All the time. And they're scared still of Russia. Russia needs to know we're backing up Georgia and Ukraine, and that they're way over the line. We don't hate Russia, but we can't let them do this. And watch for Ukraine.
Obama: Dang. Well, I mean, I never wanted Russia to be so mean. I wanted to help Georgia. All the people we hate have oil, and we've got nothing. We need biodiesel and crap, maybe even nuclear energy. McCain hates alternative energy.
McCain: Ho ho ho. You don't like nuclear energy. And you hate offshore drilling, which we need.
Obama: Come on. I just think nuclear waste should be stored safely.
Quesion 8: Another 9/11?
McCain: Not so likely as it was 7 years ago. We need more human intelligence and non-torture interrogation. We need to work with our allies. I know our allies. We're safer now, but still need some work.
Obama: Yeah yeah, we're safer. But we need to bolster ports and transit. Suitcases are our biggest threat. If terrorists get nuclear weapons, we're deader than dead. Iran and North Korea could blow us off the map. Stop nuclear proliferation. Concentrate on Al Qaeda everywhere, not just Iraq. I want to make the world like us and respect us, because we're awesome. Torturing undermines our image - nice work there, John - and we need all the respect we can get.
McCain: If we fail in Iraq, Al Quaeda wins and establishes a base. Don't do that.
Obama: We've been all over Iraq for years, while Bin Laden and Al Qaeda still dance around and China takes advantage of us. We spend money like hotcakes in Iraq when we need healthcare and veterans' aid.
QUICK! STEREOTYPE BATTLE!
McCain: Obama is inexperienced and inflexible. I know veterans. I'll take care of them. I love them. I'll make this country safe. I'm ready.
Obama: My father was black. I'll help black people.
McCain: I was a POW. I like veterans.
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| There was a time, last year, when I wrote poetry. It's interesting. To me, at least. The first ones are from when I was trying to write a sonnet for Mr. Miller. I just wrote some of the later ones in times of boredom, when the spirit hit me. There's a common theme in many of them, though I'm happy to say the feelings expressed in these have almost no application to me now. The content is generally a mix of reality and imagination. It should be noted that these are all first drafts, though there are probably more advanced versions of them somewhere. Also, I find I enjoy iambic quadrameter more than pentameter. It's got an easier rhythm to it.
The ground it creaks as feet beat soft but fast
A thoughtless trail of footsteps quickly traced
How long this endless night will truly last
I ask myself endlessly as I pace
As thoughts of life and love mix pride and doubt
My confidence is shaken to the core
Whether 'tis best to simply do without
Or risk to change the scene forevermore
A moonless night we have tonight
And as the moon doth wane
I lay and to myself I say
"A choice will stop this pain"
And as sweet rest's embrace takes me away
I mouth a word, ________, and wait for day
No one so apt at striking fear
And terror into hearts as she
For if you cross my mistress dear
Quite soon your time of death will be
Her laugh is song, her smile art
Her eyes entrance all men around
But should one try to win her heart
His own is thrust into the ground
For though she plays all innocence
Acts coy and cute and gentle too
In truth a great malevolence
Is just beneath those curly Q's
And so
I plead all men to throw your love away
If though doth wish to live another day.
"I fear no good can come of this,"
Her father says, his face set grim.
"This boy cares only for your face,
Your mind's no interest to him."
"I must protest," I feebly stutter,
Fishing strength from parts unknown,
My words my thoughts, my heart aflutter,
Seeking the daughter this man owns
"I care not just for startling beauty
(Though, to be sure, she has no dearth)
I love her words, her jokes, her stories
Which trounce all others on this earth."
My face snow white, my tongue like lead,
"I ask that her and I should wed."
He slumbers deeply in his lair
No man nor beast would dare approach
For if disturbed a single hair
If found, he'll crush them like a roach
The heat, besides, is too intense
For any life within that hole
Which serves as ultimate defense
For great slumb'ring Volcano mole
A thousand years he'll lie in rest
Lifting his head only to yawn
For sleep's the life that suits him best
He cares naught for the world beyond
So understand, and do not fear
When he just mumbles, "Five more years..."
The moon, the moon, lies in the sky
And casts its milky moonbeams down
Bathes the earth in cooling light
Lighting the wrinkles of every frown
O, moon! touch with your soothing hand
And bring to calm my fevered brow
This boiling question-crusted land
Whose questions call for answers now
I wield no strength with which to try
To bring about the change I seek
No shining brilliance in the eye
I join the many shamèd meek
Who supposedly will have the earth
From those brave Doers whose wills prepared it
But this I foresee with no mirth
As mocks how stellarly unfit
I am to take this great behemoth
Upon my weak unmuscled shoulders
[probably uncompleted]
O Loon, what are your girlish charms
That still my heart when you come near?
What power wield you over me
To paralyze my blood with fear?
My breath comes short, my eyes a blur,
And all those overused clichés
Why wait when such a simple cure
Lies in one simple telling phrase?
Rehearsals, plans, all idiocy
That strip poor action of its name
I'm drowning in a blood-red sea
That soon enough will be my bane
Actually, they all get pretty depressing eventually. Too bad. If it weren't for that depressing streak, I'd probably want to write more. But contentedness really isn't as good of a muse. Still, all things considered, I'd say I prefer the present scenario.
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| "'And where the deuce ha' you been?' was Mrs. Joe's Christmas salutation."
Ho ho. Oh, Charles Dickens.
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| Bye bye 2006! I will always have fond memories of you, you silly willy you. Wood and Spoden, the graduating '06ers, Improv (Satan v. God), late night conversations, AAA, and all that other crap.
And hey 2007! What's up? You ready for your turn at making my life not suck? Well let's go then!
Ahem. Happy new year. May this year be even better than the last. And may every year to come be progressively better than the one before it, until we finally reach a year so good it's almost perfect, at which point the universe ceases to expand and implodes upon itself, destroying all life and matter and putting an end to time, space, and existence.
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| I have many things to be thankful for. Food and shelter, a soft pillow under my head. The relative peace of my life, the fact that I live somewhere where I can feel safe all the time.
But most of all I am thankful for people that make me laugh and make me feel special. I am thankful for a huge family and for wonderful friends, making sure I'm never really alone and I'm never really bored.
Oh, and I'm thankful for mashed potatoes. Mmm.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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